you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
