an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
