ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
