I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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