I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
