I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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