my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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