Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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