I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
