My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
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