You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
