we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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