I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
