Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
