all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
