through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
