i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
