Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize