I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
