the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just puked most of my soul out..
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
