Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
