haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
