Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
