i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
