That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Boobs speak an international language.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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