My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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