I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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