I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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