They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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