Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
