I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
