drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
