even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
