My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
