I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
