Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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