he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
