Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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