I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
