God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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