so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
