Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
