Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
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