I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
