Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Someone came in the potted fern
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
