Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
