I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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