Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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