I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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