all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
