Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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