Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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