And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
