whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
