I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Randomize
