a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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