Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
