seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
