I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
