So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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